Fast forward to Tuesday (the obligatory 3 day rule I guess. Should have been sign numero uno). I get a call from one of those guys, seeing if I wanted to go out on Friday night. If you know my dating history, of course I said yes. He was a cool guy, and it would be fun. Or so I thought.
Friday evening, 5:45pm. He calls. 45 minutes later than he said he would. (Should have been sign numero dos.) I left work late, he said he had too, I cut him some slack.
This next bit is paraphrased like crazy. So shoot me.
"Hi Megan, this is Gaylord*. Sorry I didn't call sooner but I got off work late. I had a pretty bad day, but I should be out of my funk soon." (Sign numero tres)
Me: "No problem - I worked later than I expected. Just driving home now."
Gaylord: "So is 7 still good for you?"
Me: "Yeah, sounds good. What do you want to do?" (The fact that I even ask this is sign numero quattro.)
Gaylord: "Well, like, I have to go to my mom's and return her key, 'cause she needs to get into her car. She, like, lives in St. Helena." (I, like, just came from there...sign numero cinco.) "And then, like, I left my jacket in my friend's car - oh yeah you know Elvis* you met him at
Me: "Oh yeah." (Not impressed. Getting annoyed. Severly annoyed. Sign numero sies. Note: I can't count that far in Spanish, so I may go bilingual soon.)
Gaylord: "He's in St. Helena right now. So I was thinking we could just go to the brewing company and have a beer. Oh and like, my registration on my car is expired, so I was thinking that I maybe could like drive your car, or you could drive and I'll just give you gas money?" (Wow. I'm really stupid. I mean come on....I'm about to give the green light to someone who basically wants me to chauffeur them around for errands they have to run in the town I JUST came from??? It's no longer a sign. I'm just too nice and too foolish not to have said no.)
Me: "Um, well, ok that's fine." (Not fine. I'm not annoyed now, I'm angry.) "So I'll call you when I leave my house at 7 to get directions to your house." (grrrrrr.)
Gaylord: "Yeah cool ok."
I sit around for a bit and head out at 7. What can I say, I'm punctual. I call when I'm like 5 seconds down my street.
Me: "Hi, I just left. So how do I get to your house?"
Gaylord: "Oh dude I'm sorry I just got out of the shower. Dude I need like 15-20 minutes."
Me: "Oh. Uh. Ok." (WHAT IS MY PROBLEM??? Turn around and go home....! I think that but don't actually do it.)
At 7:30 I call again.
Me: "Ok, where do I go?"
Gaylord gives me directions. I'd post his address here so you could all go egg his house, but I'm just not that mean. I should bank some karma points right about now. He waves me up to his (ghetto) apartment. I step in the front door, it's dark, it's dingy, and it's 1972. Fine, whatever. So he's a guy who has no taste. Usually I'd be ok with it, but I was an unhappy datee.
Gaylord: "So which shirt should I wear? I just can't decide. I didn't, like, wanna wear that one because that's, like, the one I met you in."
Me: "It doesn't really matter...we're just going to the brewing company."
Gaylord: "So do you smoke weed?"
Gaylord: "Oh...uh....sorry. I guess I'll just, uh, leave this here." (He takes a pipe and a bag out of his pocket and puts it on the dresser. Yes, this truly happened. I had no idea what to even say at that point. Seriously? Is this really happening? I really went out with this guy?? I'm checking myself into Napa State to check on my Napa State of Mind. [Note: I ripped that saying off from a white rapper who hails from this great land of grapes. Awesome.]) "Ok, let's go."
I'll spare you the horrible "conversation" we - no HE - had on the way to St. Helena. He name dropped and talked about himself the whole drive. He didn't ask me anything. He texted. "Dinner" was more of the same - boring. We have nothing in common. AT ALL. The check came...
Gaylord: "Oh man, like, I can't afford the whole check. Sorry." (It was $47.12.)
Me: "Yeah fine, I'll put half on my card." ($26 for the worst evening of my life with a stranger.) "Well, it's about 9 o'clock. I have to get going. I have to be up early."
Gaylord: "Oh ok." (What else is he going to say?? I drove him there...)
The drive home was much more of the same: more texting, more talking about himself, he even answered his phone when it rang. Bah, that was bad.
I dropped him off, made sure my body language said nothing but "please just get out" and he left. It was the worst "date" I'd ever been on. I was on match.com and yahoo personals for like 9 months. In 9 months, I didn't have anywhere near that horrible of a date. Ever. I thought - good, leave, good riddance.
Sunday evening I get a text message from him. Basically he says he had a good time and hopes I did too. He wants to hang out again "but just as friends. hope u r cool w that :)" UM does he think that I want to have a romantic relationship with him?? REALLY?
My goodness dating sucks.
*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.